im having an audio flashback of me screaming as a child for my dad not to rape me

in the backyard my parents often naked 

did my brothers witness it
unknown why disgust for me that i think is oncest related 

always telling yourself to forget 

shame used dissociation to cast a vail over a mass reality. 

i remember having nightnares 

times calling out to my mum in terror . that terror i felt when u first realised it was my dad that raped me, the same terror i felt when it happened. trapped inside my body. still to this day. its like shame then u dissociate or the shame and u feel bad about it like a karmic cycle. my dad only touched me rarely and once hold out his little finger only. how desperatly i pleaded with my mum him not to take me to ballet dance. 

reasons u can fCe it now are the triggers of my brother. overcoming shame or being more aware of it. triggered in my body by my brother. being in nature and feeling safe. beig strong enough in my mind i can face it. 

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