kneeling by her

 if love is pain what they tired to teach u in hell

 im already planning my destruction for tomorrow.  // dont be a leech 

feet are sodden in swamp water  lavender cremation 

 the impetus of a baby dying death at the head, death at the feet one to die so another can live  a sacrifice  passed on  // spotify playlist for the surgeons  // i said thankyou before being knocked out by the anastehtia which is like saying i was thanking the baby for giving me the wisdom and lessons for the time it nurtred me in my sack  // at the ocean writing down goodbye knowing once the tide came in the ocean waves would wash the words away and the baby would go back to the ocean to be then reincarnated for a lesson its wisdom already so potent the thought that the baby was already was from being in my womb while i had such thoughts of clarity nurture and maybe a real since of peace of perseverence  or being beyond grateful to live a carefull life  growing plants and the feeling of soft water  and an echo i love you olive  and what is suffering  my memory of the hot night in the desert 

 dream under anastethic put to sleep was faces of men  perhaps dan was talking to me as the baby departed my utrus as well as maybe my dad and men who have been my lesson in the genetics path of lesson evil that my generations have now impute 

dream  working at a kind of festival food catering for a gay pride festival. its like on a island by the coast, serving up bae marines of cold mayonnaise pasta salad dishes. i am trying no one notices me working, there is a younger guy who who is like a nerdy who is giving me banter, we r looking at a computer and he keeps making sinister jokes that im like incapable. tho a flirtation develops, the pasta is purple and blue.  one scene i see a man on a cocktail bar and he is pretending not to see me but i am observing him. i realise later it is Y and they swallow when they see me. they are wearing a womans laundre dress. 

dumb ass "cops" and slave imprints they put on your body to alter it as their territory, imposter magic using you for greedy waste distractions. i like to grow.  its easily deposited into the blood very easy to change it so its infected then you add the feeling of sexual arousal and pain and twist the muscles semi fracture the bones of a new born baby or when the girl is unconscious, it could have been like rape but u forced consent on her,  now they are rotting in the bush  look what you fucking did to my country look around and see , watch around you"  country proof drunk  your dirty profit and never ending debt  my dad did it to me first then i look for the sympathy in their eyes which i cannot see or feel  in my body there is an insect growing and i dont want to feel disgusted by the dna , just a new seed that i will have to sacrifice. and say how this opportunity is maybe saving my life , by the impetus of the flooding new born baby dream. 

a country miscarriage  when all the face genetics look the same and u imagine the insect growing eyes  are solid black a photo of the past specific failure  what the fuck are you doing to my life our life  the scenes u saw growing up too toiled for a baby to see sex scenes and i have sympathy for ugly men

surreal to see this scan of the baby growing inside me , a little curled up insect kind of alien spine formation, head nestled down and it has a heart hearing my heart, only by chance i read an old type writer files about a baby with eyes as blue and as deep as the ocean a baby that i meet after writing death poems and baby before i meet (?) with survival" feedbacker loop baby feeding tube baby , u cant look after a baby if u cant look after yourself" the file states, raise your fist. then the baby talks about god. the poem talks about god, i am the god of the baby 

dream, te of vampires killing 

dream set in nepal like dirt roads walking somewhere .. 

dream inna tunnel metal kind of warehouse i am having a fight with and i yell out tonhim back and fourth he is at the ocean and is dating a girl who is anorezic and a prostitute i am angry so try to call relatives 

backwards spiral.  spirals for a fortune 

"the envioment is the cause for everything the bee does externally  the suns effect

 dream  the enemy gets shot. another girl shoots him. talking about collumbine shootings. quote dan doesnt believe in the term unwell. meeting up woth someone on the bank of a river.

 still to scared to open up the x files.. tho i am having the memory in childhood whre i told myself to trust no one or rather never tell anyone about this secret knowledge maybe  a kind of my own lore , cuz it would be destroyed if i spoke it it in real life, others would destory it. 

 rape the daughter, my wifes child

 remember the writing on the yellow pad which was lost to grow mold rain water in a backpack where i wrote in person being my dad which was something along the lines of  : i need to go to the bush and masterbate think about my daughter while my wife (the bitch) is in the house"  more or less him going to the bush so he can deal with his thoughts of raping me and he cant do it when the wife is at home letting out rotten frustration so disrespect to your actual family  and hiding away sickly with uncontrollable sexual urges to rape your daughter..

Are you sleeping Are you sleeping?

 and this is why i love being a ... cuz i can switch reality control it. 

 observations if suicide is cowardly or saintly? rather which situation u would prefer?  to make a sacrifice or rather accept this life i have created? non - coward.

 couldnt do that to a child so yeah 

 living another morning 5 am 

 painting of my drain. 

 making a movie moment // abandonded horror movie co ntinues changes to romance  my dad always said horror movies were romance? and then what do u recall of the drain  memory of places from childhood town that had me believeing in the future was sacred dirt. 

 the endless joy 

 something disturbing about childcare worker like forcing touch to be manoved and "pat to sleep. like no i am not forcing to touch a child unless i am in such a state of smoke clense ect 

 original hackers note  and emergency department visitor  found

 fairy tale

i love making art. 

 acid trip memory laying in the gutter in a purple cardigan from my childhood  acid trip from 2014 reminding me of the mirror 

 my mum telling me, my dad said to her when i was a kid  why my mum was angry with him for neglecting me  he said  "youll never forgive me if i tell you what i did"  ..  

 i love my family i am loyal to my family